April 11, 2010 | The Summit | Columbus, OH
Photo by John Danner
After following Turbo Fruits on Twitter for a couple of days, I knew these three mustachioed men would be quite the hellions to interview. Their rambunctious tweeting is nothing less than ‘inspired’.
My friend and photographer John Danner and I were eagerly discussing bands and photography when Jonas Stein introduced himself and invited us back to the green room of The Summit. I was heartily introduced to Matt Hearn, drummer, and Dave McCowen, bassist.
“You really should interview us after we’ve been drinking a lot,” Jonas remarked with a smile.
“Yeah, It will be much more interesting, when we’re sauced,” said Matt. At that moment, as I laughed and sipped my beer, I knew I was going to be miserable at work the next day… and it would totally be worth it.
KP: Describe a typical day for Turbo Fruits.
Jonas: Not getting much sleep, or very comfortable sleep, getting intoxicated in the night time, driving a lot. A lot of time is spent in the van.
KP: What’s it like in the van?
Jonas: Right now it smells like shit!
Dave: Smells like dirty clothes…
KP: How often do you guys get to shower?
Matt: Every 3-4 days…
Dave: Usually wake up to Matt’s snoring ass, pile into the van, smoke some weed, go to a decent restaurant like Red Lobster…
Jonas: I spent $25 at Red Lobster, had to get the ultimate feast!
Dave: We stop at diners a lot. The ones with the worst service ever. Drive 4 hours, smoke some weed. Drive a couple more hours… smoke some weed…
KP: How much weed do you smoke a day?
Jonas: Pretty conservative. Not that much, really. We’re not blazing down joints, just taking a couple puffs every couple hours…. Other than that we also try to hit up the local famous food joint.
KP: Where did you go here in Columbus?
Jonas: Well, we got in just in time to unload, but back in the day if we had time we would have gone to Taco Ninja but its closed.
KP: On your website, there’s a list of things that Turbo Fruits enjoy. These include “porn, shitting with the door wide open, making love to motorcycles,” etc. How often do you guys get to enjoy these things on the road, and is there anything you’d like to add to the list?
Matt: Beer bongs.
Jonas: There was some porn last night.
Matt: We haven’t been in the hot tub yet!
Dave: No not yet. I guess a new tradition would be smoking weed and listening to “Cosmo’s Factory” by Creedence. Its turning into a ritual.
KP: Whats the story behind the Turbostache competition?
Jonas: We were in DeLand, Florida. It was one of the first shows with Surfer Blood. We were saucing it up pretty good that night. And I drunkenly brought up the idea to start a mustache competition.
KP: Were you all clean shaven when you started?
Jonas: I was… but the criteria of the competition has changed since then. It used to be a competition but then a friend dissected the the situation. Realized its less of a competition and more like a pact. We’re just going to see if we can all make it to the end of tour.
Dave: I snuck a shave in around Nashville, to clean it up.
Jonas: My attempt has been the most desperate because I had to go get some facial hair dye… which I’ve used twice.
KP: What are the best and worst thing about touring?
Matt: I’d say the worst is trying to stay healthy, because you’re sleeping on floors. Taking whatever you can get. I woke up in the back of the van today…?
Dave: We get really confused and black out.
KP: How often do you all black out?
Jonas: About once a week…
Matt: I don’t black out that often. I drive when they’re too drunk to drive.
KP: Are you the best driver?
Matt: [Laughs] Well… these guys wouldn’t say so.
KP: Do you guys have different personas while wasted?
Matt: I just become more of a redneck! My accent comes out. I start complaining about shit. Dave assaults me and becomes typical Irish guy. He thinks if its fun for him it must be fun for me. And then, he goes between looking like hes gonna throw up on himself to saying, “ALRIGHT! GET IT TOGETHER!” And he’s amped up and ready, and knows how to solve problems, then two seconds later forgets what hes doing. He packs himself in the trunk, like ontop of the amps and passes out.
Jonas: I get to the point where I decide I’m not going to talk anymore and I get real quiet.
Matt: He just looks at me and asks me outrageous shit. He’ll give me an earnest look and say, “Is this gonna be fucked up, man?! What the FUCK are we about to do?” Jonas is sure of himself until he gets shithoused.
KP: What about your creative process, what is it like writing together?
Jonas: We haven’t written much together… these guys are still pretty new.
Dave: Are we still trying out?
Jonas: Yeah, they’re still trying out! [Laughs] No, but I think that’s a better question for 6 months from now. We’ll have a great answer then.
PS: Check out their blog. You will ROFL.